Dave the Rave has all the moves. Verily, is he the Lord of the Dance. Yet no one or their cat noticed the sky turning black upon his return. Only I saw the devil on his back as he leads us towards post-Brexit temptation. 

But something is afoot. Mark my words. These tea-guzzling-biscuit-gobbling Fat Cats of parliament — while fraternising with the commanders-in-chief of chequebook journalism — have let the proverbial feline out of the bag. Dishy Rishi is on the outs. So, too, his legislative opponent: Mr Softie. 

And my nemesis is scheming for the top job.

Tickled-pink, I am not. 

Not because this punter peddled austerity to the masses as part of their prolonged five-a-day credit crunching workouts. Nor because only the poor were deemed fit enough to pick up the tab. 

Rather, my beef with Lord Chippie is of another kettle of fish entirely. Dating back to his original sin. 

Spin-doctoring falsehoods about my so-called lack of killer instinct. Unfathomable to him the weight of being Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office. That Number 10 is riddled with vermin left me toiling like a common mutt to rid the place of three Prime Ministers. All the while hamming it up for the cameras; whether wrestling a pigeon to the ground or chasing away a wily fox. With never an offer of overtime treats. Only huffing and puffing about how moulted fur camouflaged his tie and crest.

Now he’s lording his lifetime peerage over me; after making a pig’s ear of everything. Yet I’ve got on board with El Gato — to whom that absolute boy Corbyn belongs. Expect a referendum of my own. Either Dave or I? One of us must go.

For there’s always more than one way to skin a cat. 

This was long-listed for  the New Writers Flash Fiction Competition 2024

Miranda Husain is a senior journalist and has worked as Deputy Managing Editor at Daily Times, Features Editor at The Friday Times (TFT) and Deputy Editor at Newsweek Pakistan. She writes on local and international politics; race and identity; and cats! She can be reached at mirandahusain@me.com and tweets @humeiwei